cause and effect.

i’m so tired from all the thoughts. i don’t know what’s going through my head anymore. i can’t figure what is important, can’t decide on what i want. i’m not going through a rough patch. not yet. but why? why do i feel so exhausted? why do i feel like taking a long long break? taking a break that’s going to last forever, and to the infinity… i wanna get away. why?

it’s always the case.
it’s always me being the last to know.
it’s like i’m just too weak.
it’s because i am seen as one who can’t handle the truth.
it’s something i won’t deny.
because it IS the fact.
i’m not grumbling.
i’m not feeling even the slightest pinch of unhappiness.
i’m just a little numbed.
i’m ALREADY pretty numbed in a way.
i’m still glad i was told.
and i guess think i can handle it.
i smiled to hide my fears.
i smiled to hide the misery.
i smiled so i’ll look happy.
i smiled to tell myself i’ll be okay.
i smiled because i AM expected to.
but somehow, i feel so unreal.
i kinda lacked the courage.
i didn’t bother fighting think i deserved it.
i felt a little insulted.
i wanted to walk away.
i thought i was being really firm.
then, i swayed AGAIN.
in the end, i got what i asked for.
yet i can’t say i am happy.
yet i am not even sure if that’s what i want.
yet i feel so helpless.
yet i feel so lost.
yet again, i’m going through ALL the thoughts.

i’m in a dilemma to even decide my own emotions. can’t figure how something i should be happy about actually happened because of a bad cause. how is it even worth feeling happy for? how can i not be emotional? i can easily go insane just by trying to figure if i should laugh or cry. the laughter would be so fake, so bitter. hence maybe for now, tears are my only consolation. should i still give thanks, then?

i hate this facade.
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