been a while since i last blogged. still can’t find myself the Photoshop program and crack. wonder if that’s a reason or an excuse. whatever the case, just want to update but hmm, gonna be a whole paragraph of whines. so if you are reading this, you just need to know i AM still alive and that is enough. whatever’s under the cut is not important. (:
i look back into older photos and blog entries.. i realised the smiles were so much more genuine back then. everything i did seems to be so much more lively and even if i was sad, i know the reasons why i’m acting that way. right now, i just don’t know what is the purpose of my life anymore. i’m so tired trying to fit into everywhere to find that there isn’t a place where i CAN fit into. i need some directions but nobody can find me that direction better than myself. i try to work my ass off, wanting to burn my weekends, with the reason that i’m so effing in need of money and what? people think i’m such a money-grabber. then i start to wonder, who would actually know the real reason behind why i am doing all these? you really think i am and i enjoy being a workaholic? think again. no doubt that few hundred dollars do make a difference. honestly, my life ain’t gonna be so tough i can’t survive without that sum of additional income. well, could be good too. just take it that i AM so money-faced and that i LOVE my money so much i can’t part with it. ya really, just think that way. it doesn’t matter. these physical activities don’t tire me out as much as those emotional rubbish anyways. then again, i’m not trying to be emo. i just can’t get myself out of that shit. it’s been exactly 4 weeks since the self-agreement. but it seems i’m still living in denial. it’s like i feel so drained yet i’ve only got myself to blame. all the little things shouldn’t matter at all. even the bigger ones shouldn’t. i tried to be ignorant, i tried not to read so much into things, i try, i tried and i am still trying. i know i’m making life hard for everyone and myself too. i know i’m still being childish, stubborn and irritating. i know i’m creating this misery for myself. but fug, time to grow up tsehwee. okay, or maybe i should stop lying. i never thought it was time. i just tried to convince myself it is. i’m always going around the same point to say it’s time to wake up from the dreams but i must admit that i haven’t and i never did. maybe i just have to be more irritating. can i make you hate me? get sick of me and leave me. not like you’ve always been by my side but HA HA HA, i think i just made my first step by typing this whole load of crap. just by reading it, i’m already disliking myself. and probably soon, everyone will too. then this space will start to get deserted. and i, will start disappearing into my own world. wow, what an awesome plan. yup, now you see it. that is me. and signing off, i am yee tse hwee. (:
ya, don’t mind me.
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